American Idol 5 - Final Episode - Running Commentary

Warning:  The following entry is a self-indulgent piece of claptrap that will only make sense to people who watched this season's American Idol, and, specifically, this evening's final episode.

Paris Bennet singing with Al Jarreau.  Paris is good.  She needs to be singing jazz all the time, I really think that's her strength.  Whoa.  Al Jarreau is looking quite old.  He's like a cartoon of Al Jarreau. 

Chris Daughtry singing with Live.  Wow, it's like post-modern Doublemint Twins!  Who knew the Chris Daughtry was Ed Kowalczyk's Mini-Me?  Chris looks psyched.  Good for him.  Very cute.

Puck 'n' Pickler.  Oy, gavault.  This is funny.  Is this girl REALLY this dumb?  There's no way she's that dumb.  I think she's actually brilliant, and playing stupid.  It takes brains to play stupid, a la Gracie Allen.  I will say she's quite cute.  I like her new short haircut.

Meat Loaf?  Dear God.  What the hell is he doing?  He's not singing, he's ... um ... quaking.  Yeah, sure, Meat Loaf is her idol.  Who the hell does he think he is with that red scarf in his hand, Pavarotti?  Heh.  Where's my insulin?  I'm going in to sugar shock.   Ho!  Wait!  Whoa!  Katharine is showing some major boobilage.

The runner-up boys are all singing "Takin' Care of Business".  Oh, damn.  Ace Young is hot.  There's no denying it. 

SOUL PATROL!  SOUL PATROL!

Ok, so I fully admit I want Taylor to win.  Why?  He's interesting, he's a good singer, and he looks more than a little like my husband. 

Ooh!  Ooh!  They're finally letting Taylor play the harmonica!  Suh-WEET!

OK, I wanna do Taylor.  But I kinda feel like I already have. 

A note:  Katharine McPhee's "Over the Rainbow"?  A direct pantomime of Jane Monheit's version.  Just so's ya know.

These awards are kind of cute.  I dunno, I'm slurpin' up the shlock tonight. 

Elliot Yamin is singing a U2 song.  Who's he gonna sing it with?  I doubt they're gonna trot Bono out to sing this with him.  OK, Mary J. Blige.  I don't really know her.  I know of her, but I don't know her music.

Um...they're not singing this together.  She's singing it all by herself.  C'mon, Elliot.  Sing!  OK, now they're singing it together.  But she's kinda steamrolling him. 

She's got big giant sunglasses like Bono does, though.

Uh-oh, they're presenting Carrie Underwood now.  Phooey.  I don't want to listen to her.  I'm still pissed that she won and Bo Bice didn't.  I've been worried that the same thing is going to happen this year. 

I had to pause it.  I'm not a big country fan.  Thank God for pausable DVRs!

Yay!  Taylor's out!  Whoa.  He's singing with Toni Braxton.  They're gettin' down and nasty while singing "In The Ghetto".  That ain't right.  You can't do the nasty to "In the Ghetto".  And I'm more than a little jealous of that little hussy rubbin' up on my man.  GET THE HELL OFFA MY MAN, TONI BRAXTON!

Uff-da.  Katharine is singing Shania Twain.  Oh, it's all the girls.  Have I ever told you about how much I hate Shania Twain?  I need Kevin M from insomniareport to come up with a good analogy for how much I hate Shania Twain.  But I digress.  That's for another thread.  (Note to self:  Write a blog entry about how much you hate Shania Twain.)

And a note to Mandisa:  Don't wear pants.  You're a beautiful woman, but pants are not your forté.

The girls all-sing is set up like "Katharine & The Girls".  Yuck.  Oy, and they all have to sing all the songs about how they're "women" and how powerful they are because they're women.  I got news for ya, FOX-TV.  I'm every woman, too.  And I've got cramps right now.  Do you hear me singing about it?  No, you don't.

Holy shit.  Holy shit.  Clay Aiken has morphed into Paul Reubens (aka Pee Wee Herman). I gotta find a picture of Clay with his new haircut.  It's freaky how much he looks like Paul Reubens.  They've got this kid who was a Clay imitator singing, and they turned off the kid's mike after Clay came out and suprised him, but I don't think the kid knows it.  Weird. 

And if Clay Aiken isn't gay I'll eat my laptop.

Burt Bacharach, huh?  He's pretty cool.  This could be good.  Katharine in her tight dress that shows off her booty.  Ooh, here comes Ace the Face.  I want him to be my pool boy.  And by pool boy I mean sex toy.  Ooh, that white trash girl with the whisky voice (I can't remember her name) is singing with Ace now, and they're getting all hot and sexy.  What's up with the sex on this show tonight?  I'm gonna call the FCC and have FOX's ass fined a bazillion dollars for tittilating the youth of America.

Aww.  The kiddies are singing "That's What Friends Are For" with Dionne Warwick.  That's sweet.  I like that.  Whoa.  Dionne.  What the hell happened with that last note?  She was doing really well and then the last note sounded like someone unplugged her.  Weird.  Weird.  Weird. 

OK, there are only 10 minutes left of this show.  They'd better get with the results. 

"Best Male Bonding" - OK, this is disturbing.  They're trying to homoeroticize the show, and they're playing it for laughs.  Ugh.  Please get to the results.  This is creepy on way too many levels.  Now that I think about it, it was a finale show where they had that kiss between Simon and Paula, which makes me wanna puke when I see it.  They get all kooky for these finales, I guess. 

Why o why are they making us listen to the crappy singing cowboys?  Are they trying to get people to turn off their sets?  Do they think people care enough to stay on that they can put anything on?

(sigh) They're right.

I hate FOX.

Oh.  Um.  Here's Prince. OK.  A bit random, but that's all right.  He can still bring the funk.  How old is he?  Pushin' 50.  Why isn't he having any of the kids sing with him?  (Because he's Prince and he doesn't want the amateurs stinkin' up his act, Leslie.)

Can we have the results now?

No, apparently not.  Oh goodie, Katharine and Taylor are going to sing "I Had the Time of My Life".  This is ghastly.  And didn't they have Carrie and Bo sing this together last year?  WHY, people?  WHY?

One doesn't get the impression that Katharine and Taylor bonded much during this experience.  Not a whole lot of chemistry going on between the two of them.  Taylor seemed a lot more interested in Toni Braxton.  (That dirty slut.)

YAY!  Taylor won!  Soul Patrol!  Soul Patrol!

Ha! David Hasselhoff is crying.  That is just ... weird.  This show is so frickin' weird.  And I can't stop watching it.

Oh crap.  Now he's got to sing the poopy song.  They always give them absolute poo to sing for their "hit". 

Here comes the choir in their robes.  You know, it was cool when they had it for Clay and Reuben's final.  And it was a natural fit for Fantasia, with her gospel background.  But now they do it with everyone at the final, and it's become trite. 

But, you know what?  I am very proud of Taylor.  I'm glad the weird guy with the gray hair, the goofy demeanor, and the passion for old soul music won. Good for him.

Comments

[Kevin-M]

If Shania Twain was a Middle Eastern nation, you'd have the CIA trick up all sorts of dubious intelligence to justify a "shock and awe" campaign of pre-emptive war against her and her weird purple ho outfit.

It's late and that's the best I can do.

[Leslie Irish Evans]

It's a start, Kevin. Thank you.

[KatFood]

That is the scariest picture I have ever seen! David Hassellhof needs to put some pants on... Eeeeewwwwwwwww

[Leslie Irish Evans]

Kat, this is the GOOD picture! I almost put up one of him posing nude with two strategically-placed Shar-Pei puppies.

No, I'm not kidding.